When I talk, I usually (though certainly not always) use words, as ya do. Somehow, it gets me in trouble with other Americans. This is why I avoid talking to them. Not that that is very hard to do; Americans don’t travel much, at least not outside of their own country.
The thing is, I’ve been living abroad for so long that I’ve picked up a few habits. I know how I picked up some of them, but others just sort of happened. Now, when I speak Spanish or Chinese, I just get made fun of for speaking those languages so crap. When I speak English, it’s rarely an issue. This is because I usually speak to non-native English speakers. I do this a lot more these days, because I am now living in a country where the local language is laughably complicated so I’m not even bothering trying to learn it. There are plenty of Eastern Europeans and Western and Middle Asians who speak an astonishingly high level of English.
When I do speak with a native speaker, again, it’s rarely a problem, because they’re from any number of countries – the U.K., New Zealand, Australia, Canada, or even less well-known English language countries like South Africa, Ireland, or even Singapore. Usually not Americans. None of these people take issue with the way I speak. I have a very easy accent to understand, pretty well everywhere in the world (I know this from experience; I’m not bragging)(well, maybe a little) and my vocabulary is fairly extensive. Actually, neither of these things are braggable (which, entirely by the way, is not really a word). They are direct results of my job, teaching English to speakers of other languages (TESOL). I have to make myself clear, even to low level, A1 and A2* English students.
So what’s the deal with speaking English with Americans? Well, the issue is that I am also American, but I have picked up a few things, as I’ve said. Here are some examples:
- Can’t This is the most common issue that make other Americans crazy. Why? I don’t really know. Americans just get upset when other Americans don’t talk like them, I guess. Why do they care? Who knows. I pronounce this word /kɑːnt/. Americans pronounce it /kænt/ and they get upset when I don’t do this. Americans notice this almost immediately. I have a North American accent, which is a difficult accent to lose, believe me, I’ve tried, and it annoys Americans to hear an American accent pronounce it as /kɑːnt/. I do this on purpose. I used to work with a bunch of British people. I was the only American, and my American pronunciation of “can’t” simply caused confusion, which it actually does even amongst other Americans, so I intentionally changed it. It was easier to develop the habit of pronouncing it the British way than to constantly say “No, I said CAN’T, not CAN. I CAN’TTT do that.” Entirely by the way, /ka:nt/ is NOT /kʌnt/, and Americans bloody well know it (see “bloody” below). Also, BTW, we say do / don’t as /du:/ /doʊnt/ not /du:/ /du:nt/, so WTF?
- Lift This is the word that is used to describe that closet-sized room that goes up and down in a tall building. Americans call it an elevator, and they get upset when I call it a lift. Again, god knows why. They have no problem understanding me.
- Rubbish / Rubbish bin Americans insist that I call this “trash / trash can”.
- Pavement Instead of sidewalk, the place next to a street where you are meant to walk. Admittedly, the American word is actually the superior one, but somehow along the way, I just picked this up.
- Dosh For money. I just like this one.
- Arvo For “afternoon”. This is actually from Australia. I got it in New Zealand. Again, I just like it but when I use it, it’s usually because I say it absent-mindedly. Americans and non-native speakers often don’t know this one, and I certainly don’t teach it.
- Bloody As an expletive. Another one I picked up in New Zealand. This one even sounded stupid to me, with my American accent. I finally (mostly) managed to drop it.
There are others, but those are the ones that get Americans so upset that they will latch onto them in the middle of a conversation having to do with completely mundane things. It completely derails any conversation, and that is why I don’t like to talk to Americans, if I can help it.
*This refers to the Common European Framework Reference for Languages, which rates users and students at A1, A2, B1, B2, C1 and C2. This is a rating for non-native speakers of European languages. I’ve heard it used for Asian languages too, but it’s not quite as accurate for those because of HUGE differences between East Asian and Western languages. This scale doesn’t rate native speakers. Native speakers have completely different issues from non-native speakers. So while C2 is described as “native-like”, it really isn’t, in my opinion, and this opinion is shared by most of the C2 level English students I have met. Entirely by the way, most people think that C2 is the hardest level of any language. While this may seem true to someone who is just starting to learn a language, the most difficult level of study is, in fact, A1. A1 is so insanely difficult that the vast majority of adult students never pass their A1 exam. They usually give up. It’s pretty well impossible to imagine how difficult this level is by anyone who hasn’t experienced it. Going from know-nothing to passing the A1 exam is so impossible that people often CRY when they manage it. A2 isn’t much easier, but at least you can communicate in the language at that point. Passing your A1 exam as an adult is very likely the most mentally difficult thing that people who manage it will ever do in their entire lives. When I passed my HSK-2 (for non-native Chinese students in the PRC, roughly A1.5-A2), I certainly cried. I cried like a little girl. I’m crying now just remembering it. I will never do anything even remotely that difficult again. How do I know? Never say never? Fuck you. That’s how I know.
